A book on war is useful, but it’d be even more useful if it could shoot bullets. Or stop them. Or stop illiteracy. Oh, If only Congress could read what they sign into law.

“A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Goog…”

“A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and …”

“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.”

“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I…”