A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

“I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress.”

“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you…”

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank …”

“Question for your life: What is the price of love, and would you rather tally i…”