A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No, a real criminal mastermind is known by another name: politician.

“Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the s…”

“The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work…”

“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years …”

“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew …”