Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.

“You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third …”

“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—…”

“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.”

“I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opport…”