Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

“I’ve got a life. I spend all my time dreaming of a new life.”

“I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.”

“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”

“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend …”