Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give …”

“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll al…”

“The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.”

“Hey, turn down the volume on your “How To Make Love Like Lucifer Hand Guide Vol…”