Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom.

“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had…”

“Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themsel…”

“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibr…”

“A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’…”