Her name is Denise, and she has green eyes and red hair. Well, this week. Last week her hair was dyed blonde, and she had blue eyes. Or maybe that was a different woman. I don’t know. All I know is that she is my soul mate.

“North, south, east, west, I need to find a nude erection to point the way.”

“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.”

“Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs the…”

“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually tra…”