I always buckle up, even if I’m only walking across the parking lot.

“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.”

“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for t…”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to th…”

“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting t…”