I am on pace to break his record. He’s only got one, so after that I’m going to smash all his CDs—starting with the Beatles’ White Album.

“I’d dig your grave with a spoon, if the earth were made of green Jell-O.”

“My face looks different now that I got the boundaries redrawn by an experienced…”

“I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (i…”

“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how …”