I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

“Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I …”

“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which h…”

“I’m feeling a little under the weather. But once I open my umbrella, I’m sure I…”

“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person w…”