I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune telling prowess is improving.

“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing …”

“A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don…”

“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, …”

“Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.”