I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.

“My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for …”

“I'm the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pu…”

“To not feel like such a “third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant whe…”

“I want to be so successful that my secretary needs a secretary.”