I asked her out on a date, and she said, “Sorry, I can’t see you.” “That’s no problem,” I replied, “I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

“People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven.…”

“I’m growing my hair out. Out of the country, because it’s cheaper to grow it in…”

“I use a roll of paper towels like a conveyer belt of dryness.”

“If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue.”