I can tell time, but I can’t tell time to stop or fuck off.

“Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” …”

“It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, e…”

“Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only …”

“I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.”