I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life lesson for you.

“The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and …”

“I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.”

“Falling through the atmosphere is not the same thing as flying down to earth. S…”

“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well,…”