I can’t tell you how much I love @Gatorade. Wait, I’m sorry. I always get Gatorade and Windex mixed up.

“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It sho…”

“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I mak…”

“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to au…”

“If your last name were Seldom, I’d use it often.”