I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.

“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I s…”

“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It…”

“The only class I studied religiously was Christianity 101.”

“A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t…”