I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.

“I had nothing to eat for desert, so I ate a tube of toothpaste. The coolest par…”

“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because w…”

“We were engaged. Not to be married, but in combat. So same thing.”

“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection.…”