I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my butt chin.

“Everything east of the Mississippi is west of the Mississippi, if you just keep…”

“So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed…”

“If I told you I make love like a rainbow, would you be my leprechaun?”

“I work hard for my money. It feels very liberating to be broke.”