I dated an IRS agent, and I cheated on her. Not with a woman, but on my taxes.

“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he …”

“Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight …”

“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritua…”

“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Finge…”