I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.

“I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know …”

“The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambl…”

“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Finge…”

“Somebody took my bicycle tire, my bicycle seat, and both my pedals. They stole …”