I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon. I make love like a vampire, only entirely different and without completely filling up movie theaters with spectators.

“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousne…”

“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.”

“To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: F…”

“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry ev…”