I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

“I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, “I’m not …”

“Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.
”

“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on s…”

“She sucked my finger, and I licked the sleepy seeds out of the corner of her ey…”