I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.

“I’d start a war just to illustrate the value of peace.”

“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter…”

“Sitting down never feels so great as after standing for eight hours on someone’…”

“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep c…”