I had dried jizz on my pants, so I took it to my dry cleaners. My pants got clean, but it must have taken quite a few licks to get that stain out.

“It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in …”

“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to …”

“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only a…”

“Trying to stay within my budget, I bought napkins instead of underwear. They’re…”