I hate hearing other people taking shits. Still, I’ve got nothing else to listen to on my record player but these crude recordings I made in my youth.

“I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another qui…”

“I am willing to barter my nudity for your love. That way the IRS can’t tax our …”

“I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in …”

“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to…”