I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

“A pen is a phallic symbol you can write with. But so is a cucumber dipped in ra…”

“I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weeken…”

“I’m as constant as Constantinople. Now that’s some Istanbul shit.”

“Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate while wearing boxing gloves? It g…”