I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.

“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and g…”

“I want to be the object of your objections.”

“The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s …”

“I need a water/glory mix of 2:1. That’d make me piss like a champion.”