I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget. I do this to increase my chances of getting laid (wet baloney is the key to better love making).

“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lo…”

“To know is good, but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknow…”

“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well…”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds…”