I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand wash only.

“I slept hard last night. I had an eight-hour raging erection.”

“Just because I’m hung up over my ex girlfriend, doesn’t mean I won’t hang up on…”

“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: tha…”

“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.”