I looked him right in his eyes and I said, “I don’t like you, Cyclops.” Then I spit on his monocle and left.

“If I remain silent, the proper response is, “You don’t say.”

“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.”

“A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahea…”

“The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.”