I met her at the beach. Her name was Shelly.

“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. …”

“I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, …”

“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I …”

“I couldn’t believe she was half dressed. How dare she only be half naked in my …”