I observe President’s Day. I observe it with my binoculars.

“I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.”

“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I…”

“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—af…”

“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.”