I put Chap Stick on before I read, because my lips move along with my eyes. Maybe when I’m a stronger reader, and can read such lofty literary classics such as “The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

“Three Guys and a Goat is not a good name for a bed and breakfast. I know, becau…”

“If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal,…”

“I'd like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers an…”

“When I saw her naked, my penis went from hash brown to French fry.
”