I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.

“Hey, turn down the volume on your “How To Make Love Like Lucifer Hand Guide Vol…”

“As a writer, I need more exposure. I think I’ll take off my pants. Would you mi…”

“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of…”

“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooke…”