I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up with an erection, and a decision.

“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the …”

“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my…”

“The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between …”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I d…”