I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually, the first two don’t sound bad compared to the last one.

“My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV…”

“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because …”

“If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.”

“I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes earl…”