I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.

“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where …”

“I make love like the desert. Ever implemented a cactus during foreplay?”

“Love is something to be cherished, like the toy at the bottom of a box of cerea…”

“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on…”