I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.

“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier …”

“I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me while I’m making it.”

“Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.”

“I’ve got my hair conditioned. It’s not trained, but it is soft.”