I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.

“I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need con…”

“A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, b…”

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in m…”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—s…”