I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

“How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, tha…”

“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. …”

“A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyw…”

“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And …”