I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room.

“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.”

“My bed’s as big as a medium-sized apartment in New York City. And my erection i…”

“If you were to stack up all the stupid things I’ve done, you couldn’t clean the…”

“When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box.”