I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will be dedicated to our love, and it will take a lifetime to complete.

“If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. W…”

“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like …”

“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.”

“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything ab…”