I’d like touch screens better if they were furry, like cats.

“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”

“I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet's toga.”

“I don’t look for faces in clouds, I look for clouds in faces. And the best plac…”

“If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won't be using them.”