I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.

“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, y…”

“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the dat…”

“I shaved my mustache off the asphalt, like a tire’s skid mark, looped it around…”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a bea…”