I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

“I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, …”

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, b…”

“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like…”

“Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will kee…”