I’d staple my breath to your chest, if I thought it’d help you breathe easier. I’ll also sell you a pair of used nipples, as I’m not using mine as much as I used to.

“I didn’t write this piece to attract a potential mate, as the title might lead …”

“I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.”

“To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imagina…”

“I saw her from afar. The game was afoot. I had astiffy.”