If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not one way.

“If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if …”

“This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an…”

“I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?”

“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the…”