If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

“My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m li…”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, a…”

“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but …”

“Free pyramids! Buy one, get one half buried.”